Tuesday, March 06, 2012

What's in a Name?


"What’s in a name?", an oft restated sentiment has acquired a whole new meaning when I recently changed my last name after some years of marriage.  The feeling is still sinking in. I am suddenly shocked by the revelation that I have gone from a Miss to Ms to a Mrs and it has suddenly made me feel several years older!

With my family hailing from the western part of Maharashtra- Vidarbha, my maiden name is KHOLKUTE pronounced as KHOL KOO TAY. Well, one would think I would be happy to shed that name! but no, it had to become SONPATKI, probably an equally difficult last name!

But now that it has been done and I see it in black and white in front of me, I ruminate, really, did I want to do this? A girl who has been carrying an identity all her life suddenly is forced to take on a new name, a new identity. Why does her existence have to be forever linked to a male in the family? Be it a father’s name as her middle name or the husband’s name.  And more complex is the fact, that world over, the last name is something that is mostly acquired from the father’s side although there are a few cultures which take it from the mother’s side or find a middle way such as taking both their names or even blending the names.

I wonder what it is that makes a woman change her name in societies where this is prevalent. It is the norm and the tradition which most of us blindly follow.  Pressure to follow what is accepted is another common reason.  There could be insecurity on the new family’s side which does not feel comfortable if the wife or the daughter-in-law still struts with her maiden name and is supposedly not integrated with the new family because she does not carry their name. Perhaps it is because the woman herself does not feel integrated enough till she changes her name to match the name of the majority she lives with! Some girls even change it to prove their love to their new husbands though I don’t see why her love could be any less or more even if she does not have the same name. Perhaps it is a little of all the above reasons that make a fairly well-reasoned person like (I would like to think) me, take the big leap.

In the days of the yore, when most women honestly didn’t have as much as an identity that they have today of their own, change wasn’t quite as difficult technically. Having a good education and multiple jobs, one is straddled with not just certificates and degrees with a different name, but also endless number of bank accounts, credit cards, identity cards such as a pan card, driving license, passport and a motley of investments and assets that require to be changed with a brand new signature. Besides the things that mandatorily require change, there is a whole virtual life out there which requires a new identity! Networks drive the world, social or otherwise and even though you painstakingly inform half of the million people you know, chances are they will most likely forget you or won’t find you ever again if you aren’t in touch.   A long arduous road it certainly is, but women do it. I am doing it and I am at a loss to understand why! It is with a foolish sentiment that I cling on to my old passport, pan card, bank cards, credit cards, identity cards, driving license and all the myriad things that are associated with a name. It is almost as though a different person had experienced so much in life!

Well, I do take consolation in the fact that my new name is atleast unlike many of the crazy Maharashtrian last names (to completely go off the topic). One would think a Maharashtrian colony were a forest with vegetable families coexisting amicably with animals in one neighborhood.  For example we had Bhende (Okra), Bhople (Pumpkin), Gawhare (French Beans), and Mule (radish) all in one colony alongside animal families such as Wagh (Lion), Landge (Wolf) and Aswale (Bears) and Undre (Mice).  Of course, an ecosystem would have its terrible elements such as Bhoot (Ghost), Aghore (the Terrible), the animal killers such as Waghmaare (Lion killer) and Aaglave (Fire setters).  Maharashtrians also come in all hues – Kale, Gore, Saavale are common place.  Amongst the other funny ones I have heard are Udyasangin (I will tell you tomorrow), Gapchup (Keep quiet), Gaitonde (one with a cowface), Paidhare (Hold legs) and Potdukhe (One with a stomach ache).

But that aside, I reckon, I will now learn to accept and live with my chosen new identity. After all, no one forced me to take it up. Perhaps change is good with a new phase in life. Perhaps it will be easier to not to have explanations of why I want to retain my maiden name.  Maybe, the new name will auger well for me! And it certainly will not break any ties with my parents of course or change who I am. It is time to ponder over the other famous nugget of wisdom – That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. I shouldn’t be moping so, should I?



25 comments:

  1. I don't believe in last names at all. If you change it, it doesn't make difference only in papers. Trends are changing and people are accepting everything as they have understood it just a last name.

    BTW, sonpatki is lovely, I like the sound of it!

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    1. Trends are changing, and change is always difficult isn't it? Thanks for telling me Sonpatki is good :). That is a consolation indeed!

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    2. Sorry, meant doesn't make a difference except for in papers. Agree, change is always difficult to accept.

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  2. I liked the use of lightheartedness in dealing with a very relevant issue. The problem is that of options. Other than going numeric or allowing people to choose what they will call themselves (Lady Ga-Ga), all other options are biased one way or the other. We are ultimately provincial and clannish at heart, and that will perhaps never change. The question that remains is that of gender dominance. Again an issue of conflict. Catch-22.

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    1. Loved your comment. I certainly wish I could decide what people should call me, but well, it does seem a little late in the day to have people start calling me Andromeda or some other exotic name I love! On a serious note, you hit the nail when you say we are clannish at heart. I guess, even though I talk about having to change my name, I do like being associated with my old name and family too!

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  3. i loved the 'crazy last name' para.. :).... for the article, as you said rose will still smell as sweet no matter wat you call it

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    1. Thanks Kavita! I am glad I do not have one of those eerily common crazy names!

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  4. Well said..Richa... I for one have very complex, misleading surnanes..I am a parsi-Gujrati(mom parsi-dad gujjrati ) and my surname Chanchani is very Sindhi. MY husband (from Kerela, but never stayed there and can hardly speak the language)'s surname is suppossed to be Nair... but the hospital goofed up on his birth certificate and he became Nayar. I now live with Kajal Chanchani Nayar!

    Glad to have found you at Indiblogger. Your newest follower and a regular visitor now.
    cheers
    Kajal

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    1. Thanks so much Kajal for following! I love your name! Somehow, it sounds very cosmopolitan being such a mix of communities, and the fact that (I checked your profile) you live outside India makes it all the more exciting!

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  5. You write very well, Richa... Hats off :)

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    1. Good to see you here! You do a great job too, but you should write more, more often!

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  6. Very well written Ru! Loved the last name humor. It's interesting I had the exact same conversation with one of my friends here!!

    I think we change our last name (or hyphenate it) to acknowledge our love for our man! That said, some feminists will argue why the men don't do it...ah the continuing game of gender dominance! (but I bet we won't like the other proposition either!!)

    I was happy enough to change it just for the virtual world. Did you really go through with changing you PP & cards and all?? Now that's something!

    But like my friend said, wait till you have a kid. If this is weird for you, you'll probably be called as ''your kid's name's mom' then! Some new identity that!!

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    1. Madammm - good to finally have your presence on this space! I don't know about 'love for my man' that made me do this, well, not something that would be a reason after 4 years really :). It was (continues to be) a pain altering all those names, but I guess, its easier to be one person everywhere rather than half of me with one identity and the other half with another!

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  7. LOL! loved the examples of Marathi surnames. Some thoughts straight off the bat
    - Overall, agree with the premise that to change one's name is a decision and does tie in with concept of one's identity.
    - Some studies have shown that rose by any other name may not smell as sweet. Name and context both are relevant in creating an experience.
    - Change is good.

    Vivek

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    1. Vivek - Well, a rose won't feel the same if it were called a sunflower huh! I guess, some names conjure up certain images but hopefully once the adaptation is done by the person who has changed her name and by the people around, then perhaps associations were revert to their formal states.

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  9. rashmikholkute@yahoo.comTuesday, 13 March, 2012

    Nothing wrong following customs even if it means changing one's name and ofcourse it was overdue your being 3 and half years married . Be it sonpatki or kholkute you will remain the same for us .

    By the way the humourous description of Marathi surnames had my sides spliting.
    aai

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    1. Aai - I don't know if it was overdue or not, since I might not have even changed it afterall! I am glad you won't look at me differently even still <I didn't expect you to anyway :)). It has been often that we have chatted about these silly names, I had to put them down in here!

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  10. Richa,
    I just can't stop laughing at the names and meanings

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    1. :). I know! You probably might be able to think of many more such names. They indeed are hilarious!

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  11. My brother actually has a collection of Maharashtrian surnames. Just sharing two of the more ... er... interesting ones here: Undhirmare and Vedepatil. :-D

    Very good post, Richa

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    1. hahahaha. Splitting my sides as usual on these two! Gladder I am an innocent Sonpatki!

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  12. Haha caught up in same shoes it was bliss to have a 4 alphabets surname as I usually explainthenew surname and still people end up writing or spelling as sonpatke,sonpatkil,sonpatil,sonpati Uff!!!!



    Keep blogging

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    1. hahaaha. I am facing that too. I had a funny last name earlier too so I am used to the misspelling and mis pronunciation. I can totally see you getting harangued.

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  13. I never look for explanations/arguments if i really wanna have it :)

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